MIDNIGHT MUSINGS

I try to go to bed around eleven at night. That means I go to sleep about an hour later.  I can set my clock by the fact that I am going to wake up between three and three thirty.  Four or five hours uninterrupted is the best I can hope for.  There are a lot of reasons for that, but that’s not what I want to talk (write) about today.

I want to discuss all those things that run rampant through my mind when I wake up.  I try to wake up without my brain knowing I’m awake.  If it knows, and it usually does, it goes off on some of the strangest tangents you can imagine.  Or maybe you wouldn’t want to imagine some of the things that I think about at that time of the night/early morning.

For the last few weeks, the topic has been things that I don’t understand or things that I question or those that generally just don’t make sense. At least to me.

Let me give you a few examples.  Out of the blue or black as is were, one night I woke up and wondered how meat tenderizer knows when to stop working.  Think about it.  Put it on a tough piece of meat, it starts to tenderize it.  Does cooking kill it?  If not, does it tenderize your stomach?

Same thing for pre-shrunk pants, shirts and other pieces of clothing.  How do they know my size?  Is the shrinking stuff lying in wait for me to put the jeans on? Ah ha, the jean say.  We are going to shrink some more, or oh (**&^)(&( we shrunk too much and now you can’t get in them.

Ever go to a hotel or motel that costs more than $39.99 and up, double occupancy?  Go in the bathroom and look at the toilet paper.  The first sheet is folded into a little point.  Who does that and why?  Does the motel owner run an ad in the paper…help wanted.  Must be adapt at folding toilet paper into little points. My theory is they do it to see if you actually use it.  One of the things I always do before I leave is to refold the first sheet into the little point. It’s especially fun if you’ve been staying in the room for a few days and have wife/husband and kids with you.

There are others, but I think you get the point.  I don’t think I’m crazy or anything serious like that, but maybe the jury is still out on that verdict.

There is one more that I am actually hesitant to mention, but I really need some help with this one.  If you know the answer, please let me know.  It’s been at the top of what I call my “three a.m. creative thinking period.”

Ready?  Did Adam and Eve have a belly button?  

TWENTY SIX YEARS FROM THE DOOR

I almost forgot about a very important anniversary last week.  Not a wedding or something common like that, but the day I was inducted into the US Army.  August 15^thback in the old days.

A friend of mine worked at the draft board and called to tell me she had pulled my name and sent me the “Greetings from your friends and neighbors” letter. I had three days to come up with an alternative.  Viet Nam was raging and people were getting severely killed over there and I did not want to be one of them.

A friend of mine and I went to the Navy recruiting station.  We walked in and there was a man sitting behind a desk reading a newspaper.  We could see his hands but everything else was covered by the paper.  After a minute and a ‘scuse me, he finally spoke.  “Can I help you?” Newspaper still in place. “Uh, yes, we’re thinking about joining the Navy.”  From behind the paper, “Got a college degree?”  I stammered, “no sir, but…”  Before I could finish telling him my outstanding qualifications, he simply said, “try the Marines next door.  They’re taking anybody.”  We left having never actually seen anything but his hands.

Being barely a high school graduate, I waited for the letter to drop and decided to join the Army the day before I got it.  Better to choose an easy job than get stuck in the Infantry, the recruiter said.  I don’t even remember what I selected. Probably something like sheet folding or mess kit repair or basket weaving, things that I later learned were just code words for “this idiot thinks he’s smarter than I am, so I’ll put him in the Infantry.”

After going through the physical and mental and a variety of other test at the induction center it was time to raise my right hand.  Over 200 of us were herded into a large room and put in some sort of order. Those who had been in ROTC in high school (not me) knew how to stand and took great pride in doing so.  Finally, a Marine Lieutenant Colonel came in, the door was closed and two VERY large Military Policemen stood in front of it. He took the podium and announced in a voice that could be heard in Moscow, said “Raise your right hand and repeat after me.”  After he administered the oath, he leaned across the podium and in an equally loud voice said, “Now…if any of you sons of bitches think you ain’t in the Army because you didn’t repeat after me, just you try and walk out that door.”  The man had a way with words.

It took twenty six years (in the Infantry…who knew) , two combat tours during Viet Nam, more separations, moves, schools, temporary deployments, good jobs, bad jobs, good people, bad people and memories for me, my wife and two daughters than any of us could have expected, and it was time to retire.  

My boss, a two star general said he would read my retirement order and I refused to let him  We had a very serious and adult, albeit, one-way conversation about how if I wasn’t retiring things would not be so good for me, etc. etc.

I asked a Marine Lieutenant Colonel in my office to read it.  I explained why and I finally got to walk out that door.

I'm BAAACCCKKK....

Trash Panda

I’M BAAACCCKKKK….

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been gone from this blog for several months.  I have several excuses and even a few good reasons which I might share with you at a later date, but the important thing is that I’m back.  I know you’ve missed me and if you haven’t please don’t tell me.  Let me wallow in self-delusion.

I think it was John Lennon or maybe Vladimir Lenin or somebody else who said, “Life is what happens when you have other plans.”  If that’s the case, I have been living life to the fullest for the last few months. As I said, I won’t go into details but I will say that Emory Hospital in Atlanta has the worst food in their cafeteria that I have had in a long time. I think they do it for two reasons.  First, if you have to eat there because you are visiting or have a loved one in the hospital, you will never visit again and take up a parking space that costs as much as a brain transplant or eating there will make you sick and they have a place for you.  And did I mention the couch they have that if you are spending the night you are supposed to sleep on?  I spent 26 years in the Infantry sleeping in some God-awful places, even spending one night in an open grave (another story for another time) and I slept better than I did on their couch.  If the CIA got one of them they would never have to even consider waterboarding again.  But that’s life.

And another thing. I have so many holes in my shoes from shooting myself in the foot that when it rains I almost drown. The latest hole you ask?

I attended a writer’s conference in Key West, Fl two years ago where I did a workshop.  I couldn’t go this year, see above, but they sent me a nice email saying they were having a writing contest.  The winner got a free conference, a trophy and most especially, a publishing contract.  All you had to do was send in the first 750 words of a COMPLETED (there’s a reason for the caps) novel by a certain date.  Like most writers, I have several versions of unpublished works, so I pulled one out, dusted off the first 750 and sent it in.  Do you see where this is going yet?  I didn’t hear anything by the deadline so I proceeded to forget about it…..until…email: Congratulations.  You won third place etc. etc.…send us the rest of the novel so we can edit and publish it.  The REST of the novel…but…but…I scrambled around for several day, cutting and pasting from the several drafts I had and sent them a publishable manuscript.  My foot is just now healing from that gunshot. But I know I’ll do something like that again.  It’s in my DNR. (see earlier blog).

Bottom line. I’m back and I’ll keep making mistakes, occasionally doing the right thing at the right time, dragging things up from the past, making observations and if everything else fails I’ll just make something up to keep the blog going.  

Thanks for your interest and keep moving.  It’s harder to hit a moving target…but not always.

All Books Available @ amazon.com/author/paulsinor

Check out my Latest "That Old Black Magic" Available Now!