Not so HAPPY TRAILS

We often hear the term, “the end of an era” used when someone dies or a television show ends or something like that happens. Recently, not only did an era end, but it passed away into private homes and museums forever.  An icon for many Baby Boomers, Roy Rogers, died several years ago but his legacy lived, and lives on with movies and old black and white re-runs of his television series.  Now his museum in Branson, Missouri has closed and all of the items associated with him, Dale Evans, Trigger, Bullet and even Nellie Bell have gone on the auction block.

How popular was he?  A pair of his boots sold for $11,000.  A shirt with an embroidered Trigger went for $8,000.  Trigger?  Stuffed and sold for $266,000.  Need his saddle?  You could have gotten it for $386,000. Want ‘ol Bullet to run alongside Trigger?  He went for $35,000.  Even Nellie Bell’s tab was $116,000.  Obviously, “gone but not forgotten” is true for Roy.

I met him twice.  Once at a reception in Los Angeles where I have a photo of me, Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, Tony Curtis (don’t ask) and a strange lady I never did identify. I also have a nice photo of me with Jimmy Stewart at the same reception.  I happened to catch him coming back from the bar and he has a drink in both hands.

The best story about Roy is one I heard at the reception.  All his career, Roy had worn cowboy boots and didn’t even own a pair of regular shoes. Dale wanted to surprise him for his birthday one year so she bought him a pair of custom made alligator leather shoes. They were not just ordinary ones but were designer specials with inlays of pearl and all sorts of other things to make them unique to Roy.

The first time he wore them on their ranch in Victorville, CA, Roy saddled up Trigger, got Bullet and headed for a ride in the nearby mountains.  Once he got to the foothills of the mountains, Trigger began to act funny and Roy sensed danger.  It was soon revealed that a mountain lion was following him and his animals.

When the big cat got close enough to spook Trigger, the animal reared up and threw Roy off the saddle and onto the ground. Without Roy to control him, Trigger ran away from the danger and headed back to the ranch.  With a mountain lion on the hunt, no horse or dog and too far from home to make it back before dark, Roy sought refuge in an indentation in the rocks.  He was able to slip almost all of his body in but his feet were exposed.

During the night, the mountain lion tried to pull Roy from his hiding place and in the process destroyed his new shoes.  The next morning a rescue party found Roy, safe, but barefooted walking back to the ranch. He was picked up, checked out by a doctor and was fine.

A week later, Roy came riding back into the ranch mounted on Trigger with a massive mountain lion, dead and draped across the back of the horse.

When Dale saw them she said, “Pardon me, Roy.  Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”

Eh Braddah, Howzit?!

Eh Braddah, Howzit?!

Here comes Santa Clause…. again

There’s a great commercial on television about how we grow to be our parents.  That’ll never happen to me, I said as I slipped on my Vans and into my yellow button up sweater.  Unfortunately, it’s true in spite of all we can do to prevent it.  We have picked up traits and habits that we didn’t realize until someone points them out.  “You remind me so much of your crazy Uncle Herbert when you do that…” Or you see something and buy it because “my mother had one just like that and she loved it.”  We may not use it or even need it, but we have it.

One of the things my parents did…kids stop reading now….is to hide my Christmas presents all over the house.  Of course, I spent a great deal of time trying to find them and sometimes I actually ran across one or two, but they were very good at it, or I didn’t get many gifts, so I never found them all.

Which brings me to the point of this writing.  Christmas Eve would come and no matter how old I was, I had to wait for Santa to bring the gifts and put them under the tree.  The next morning after a completely sleepless night, I’d come to the tree and find that ‘ol Santa had, in fact come to my house with something other than a bag of coal and a sack of switches.  (If I have to explain ask your grandparents).  I once told my daughters he might do that if they weren’t good and they immediately got nicer for a few minutes and then asked me what “coal” was. It kinda lost its effect after that.

Once all the gifts were unwrapped it was usually my mother who would ask if I had overlooked something. I’d check the discarded paper and boxes and assure her that there was nothing left.  This is where it gets a little strange but hear me out.  She was concerned because she knew she or my dad had bought something that they did not bring out.  Why?  They forgot where it was.

If it was something I had asked for but did not get, she came up with an ingenious idea one year. “You know ‘ol Santa has to deliver all over the world and he usually winds up in some place like Botsa Lumba where he takes a few weeks rest before heading back to the North Pole.  He has a few gifts left over and for good little boys and girls, he’ll drop one off on the way back.”

I believed it and it accomplished two things.  It gave her time to find the thing she had lost, and she got another couple of weeks out of my being good in anticipation of Santa swinging by on his way north.

It worked for me and it worked on my girls and if you do it right, it’ll work for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go dig through my garage.  There was this power drill I bought for my wife at the hardware store on Christmas Eve that I seem to have misplaced.

Weight…Weight…don’t tell me.

It’s the first of the new year and time to make changes.  Make those New Year’s Resolutions that you never keep.  Start getting all your income tax information together so you can file early this year in January…or March..or at midnight on April 14^th.  Plan the summer vacation well in advance so you can get reservations at that place you see advertised on television…free airfare…women in bikinis, men with six-pack abs, all you can drink….sorry.  Sold out two years in advance.

For me, I decided to start an exercise program so I can lose a few pounds, regain the body I had when I was…was…younger…not so old…all of the above.  I have been doing some research to find the best way to accomplish my goals and here’s where it gets a little hairy.

I need a machine so I looked at the Bowflex.  I saw an ad on television about it.  Great looking women, sweaty men, none of them gasping for breath, so I checked it out. I figured if I’m going to go, I’ll go all the way.  Top of the line.  Get one with all the whistles and bells.  It’s only $3,000 and I have to pay shipping.

Maybe I’ll do the old tried and true Nordic Track.  A friend has one and swears by it.  He put it in his bedroom and said he lost five pounds the first two weeks.  The third week he needed a place to hang his jacket when he came home late so he temporarily placed it on the Nordic Track, which by the way, cost him $2,800.00.  By the end of the first month, he found out he had a clothes rack that cost as much as a cruise to the Bahamas.  Swear by it? Now he just swears at it.

I had a great idea. If my excess weight was in the middle of my body, I could have it drop down by buying a Teeter Hang Up and letting gravity take over.  That little idea cost me $500.00.

Enough with the machines. It stands to reason that if you burn more calories than you eat, you will lose weight.  Just pick the right foods and I’m not good at that or I wouldn’t be looking at things that turn me upside down, so I went for the diet plans.  Found a new one called Golo.  Weight loss in a bottle.  Six month supply for only $60.00 a bottle for each month.  I seriously considered it until I went to the website and saw five pages of instructions and warnings.

Enough of this nonsense. I want to make it happen so I went to Nutrisystem.  If it’s good enough for Marie, it’s gotta be good for everyone.  Only $425.00 per month but I got a week’s worth of “free” shakes.   If I combine that one with the South Beach Diet…I didn’t really consider the diet at $360.00 per month but I really like watching Jessi James Decker on the beach.

All of them advise checking with your doctor before you go on any diet or exercise program.  For once I followed their advice and talked to my doctor.  He had the best advice I have ever gotten.  He said he wanted me to “watch my waistline.”  I am now in complete compliance.  All I have to do is look down and I can see it and watch it anytime I want to.  It’s right there for me to see.  I’m just glad I didn’t go to my podiatrist and he told me to watch my feet.