Hey Baby! Let's Do Lunch!

If you have been paying attention for the last few months when I write this blog, you know I also write screenplays.  I have been fortunate enough to say that I have had eight of my scripts made into feature films.  Along the way, I have learned a lot.  Some of it good, some bad and some you would not believe unless you experienced it yourself.

Occasionally, someone will ask me what it’s like to sit in a dark theater and see your name come up on the screen.  It depends. Since the writer’s name usually comes up with the first few credits or cards, that you see, it depends on what happens after you see your name and the story actually begins to unfold.  It’s a long and nerve wracking, nail-biting, sleepless night and gin and tonic fueled journey to get to that point.  Example? you say.  Let me tell you a story.

I won’t go into a lot of details about the agony of trying to sell a screenplay, so let’s start when I had someone say, “Hey, that script ain’t so bad, I’ve seen worse. I think I like it and I want to make it.”  At that point in time, you are the most important person in the entire process. Enjoy it while you can.  I was invited to Los Angeles to sign contracts etc. and met some studio executives at a very nice restaurant in Beverly Hills.  We were waiting to be seated when one of them got a phone call.  Two minutes later he joined us at the table where we were talking about my movie and an idea I had for another script. “Sorry, but the studio has decided to kill the project.” My movie was not going to get made, but he assured me he would still pay for lunch.  The others talked about projects they were working on and all I could do was eat.

Lunch was finished after about an hour, and true to his word, the studio executive paid for lunch. As we were about to leave, he got another phone call.  He held up his hand for us to wait.  “The movie’s back on.”  In the course of an hour, it was a go, then a no-go, then a go again.  And you wonder why we drink.

Finally, after almost a year of on/off/on/off I was called and invited to the premier in Los Angeles. “A real premier like I see in the movies?  Will there be limos, search lights, beautiful women in furs and men in tuxedos and people asking for my autograph?”  “No, but there will be an open bar and munchie crunchies in the lobby after it’s over.”  Close enough. I’ll be there.

The night arrived and so did I.  I parked my rental Geo a block away and walked to the theater with my daughter. We took our reserved seats, listened so some people talk about how important everyone from the craft services person to the lead actor was in the making of this film. The only person they didn’t mention was the person who sat in front of a stack of blank paper and created as script.

The lights were dimmed and the movie began.  For the first five minutes I sat in my seat, squirming, jumping and swearing.  “Holy (%&*), I didn’t write that.  What the ^$*&(*P) is that?  Are the #$&*)(ing crazy? That’s not the story I wrote.”  I thought we were in the wrong movie.  My daughter finally calmed me down by reminding me that I got a nice check before they screwed up my story and that the check didn’t bounce.  Excellent point

Moral of this story. Do not, under any conditions have any pride of authorship if you want to write movies.  And if you ever meet a studio executive who shakes your hand or especially one who “air-kisses” on both cheeks and says something like…Kiss Kiss, let’s do lunch or KKLDL, stand by for a ram.