You’re not crazy. You’re a writer.

You’re not crazy.  You’re a writer.

Picture this.  You’re in a doctor’s office.  Let’s make it a Psychiatrist, just for fun.  The doctor gives you a bunch of tests and you are pretty sure you pass all of them.  Now it comes time for the interview.

“Come in and have a seat.  Are you comfortable?”  The voice is nice and soothing so you take a seat and get comfortable.  “Let’s get started. I just want to find out a little more about you.”

He or she asks questions like where did you grow up. Where did you go to school?  Parents good to you?  Buy you that pony for Christmas?  That sort of things to get you relaxed before you get the hard questions.

Just when you think you are safe the first bomb drops.  “Do you ever hear voices?”  What are you supposed to say?  Before you can answer, you’re hit with another one.  “Do you respond to those voices?  Do they often tell you what to do and do you do it?”  Now you’re stating to sweat.  “When you hear those voices do they make sense and do you talk back to them?  Do you ever imagine you’re someone else…you know…and really get into their head?”

You want to jump up and run as far away as you can, but you don’t because you know what’s coming.  His diagnosis is that you’re crazy as a bedbug.  Let’s pause here for a word of explanation.  I have no idea how crazy a bed bug is and I doubt anyone else does, but it’s an expression I’ve heard all my life and the only other analogy I could think of was “crazy as a shithouse rat” and I didn’t want to say that in case I offended someone.  Okay, back to the couch.

You’re not crazy.  You’re a WRITER!  If you don’t hear voices how are you going to know what your characters want to say.  If you can’t become your character how will you know how he or she acts in the situations you have planned for them?  Do you talk to your characters?  Come on.  You can admit it.  No one is listening.  I do and it’s some of the most interesting conversations I have.  Where else can you talk to a space monster, a bank robber, a serial killer, a gardener or any number of other people you may never meet?

Never mind what the doctor says, let the characters talk to you and it’s okay to talk to them in response.  You may never get the chance to do some of the things your characters do in your real life.  When you are sitting at the computer or yellow legal pad composing your story and breathing life and words into your characters, if you’re not true to them your readers will know in a heartbeat.  You owe it to both your characters and you readers to listen and respond to your characters.  Do what they tell you and don’t worry about the doctor.  There are enough legitimately slightly off-bubble people out there to keep him busy for a while.

And now if you’ll excuse me. I hear someone calling me.

PET PEEVES

 I’m not talking about pets like dogs, cats, monkeys or rocks.  I’m talking about the things that some people call idiosyncrasies.  I call them my crazies.  I’ll bet you have some too and I’ll go even further and say we share some of the same one.  I’m just more vocal about them than most sane people.

One of my biggest and the one that happens almost every day is to get behind the person I call “he keeper of the speed limit.”  You know what I mean.  He or she drives in the far left lane and actually drives the speed limit.  You can’t get around them so you can speed, get caught and buy some stock in the city or county, but that’s not the point.  It’s not up to them to keep me from going over the speed limit especially when everyone in the right lane is passing both of us.

How about when you’re walking down the sidewalk and there are three people in front of you walking three abreast.  When did they inherit the entire sidewalk?  I need to get around them.  I have things to do.  They are impeding my progress.  The only thing worse is when the same three people are walking towards me and expect me to step off the sidewalk so they can keep their line straight.  And did I mention the person who walks in front of you who keeps moving from left to right keeping you behind them no matter which way you try to pass them?

Do I sound like a cranky old fart who should stay in the home and never be let out again?  Stand by.  I ain’t through yet.

I also think every city police department should have at least on person on patrol who is designated the “Crazy cop.”  He’s the one who looks for people who are driving with a small dog in their lap.  The dog is named “Snookums” and little Snookums has his head out the window blocking the driver’s view of the mirror.  The same police officer will also be on the lookout for drivers in early morning traffic who shave, eat a bowl of cereal, catch up on the crossword puzzle or read a book while driving ever-so-slowly on the way to work.  Notice I did not say anything about women putting on make-up or fixing their hair.  I’m married.  I know my limits.

If you’ve been reading this or my books you know I’m from the South.  As a product of that region of the United States, I have certain things that come with the turf.  I open doors for ladies, pull out chairs, say “yes ma’am” and give my seat on the Greyhound to old ladies I also have a Southern accent.  Therein lies the rub.  Seems every idiot on TV or in the movies who has an IQ that matches his shoe size has a Southern accent.  And why can’t I complement a lady on her perfume or hair style or whatever without it coming back to wreck my political career forty years from now. Don’t get me wrong, most of the thing we hear in the news now is not okay, but I’m afraid to pay what I consider a complement to a female unless she is a blood relative.

Okay, that’s enough for today.  I’ll get off my soapbox this week and let you get back to whatever it is you do while waiting for my next blog.

Remember, don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.

THE MOST FRIGHTENING TWO WORDS

THE MOST FRIGHTENING TWO WORDS.

What are the most frightening two words one person can say to another?  You’re fired?  Hands Up! You’re what? In-laws coming?  Those pale in comparison to the words every screen writer fears.  Director’s vision.

What does that mean?  It means everything you’ve worked on for weeks, months or even years is now laying on Doctor Frankenstein’s table about to be arranged to suit the mad scientist.

Let’s take your passion project for an example.  Every writer has one, I know I do.  It’s the one where you say, “I don’t want a word changed. Or a scene. Or a character or location or hair color or age or…or…or”  You get the idea.  It’s your baby and you wanted it treated as such.  Look at it, coo over it, smile and tell me how much it looks like me, but DON’T TOUCH IT!

You’ve written a screenplay about a little girl and her kitten.  It’s based on your life in part because…well, you’re a girl and you once had a kitten, so its grounded on things you know.  You work on the project off and on for two years while reading books on formatting, scene structure, dialog etc until you are absolutely certain you have it right.  Almost a hundred very nice rejection letters….just not right for us, but good luck….we don’t accept unsolicited.. if you will have your agent submit it…returned unopened and a few that questioned your sanity, you finally find someone who is a fan of stories about little girls and kittens. 

They contact you and the negotiations begin. “We’re a small company and don’t have a lot of development money, so we’ll give you one dollar as an option and….” ONE DOLLAR! Are they crazy? No, so get used to it. We’ll talk about options sometime, but not now. You accept and have a party because now you can tell everyone you have a screenplay under option.  They get serious and actually have a director who wants to be a part of your story. You have another party to celebrate.

You take a meeting, probably by phone with the director. He gushes about your script and how it’s amazing that a first-time screenwriter got it right. Then he says, “I really love it and I think I can make it better.” That’s Director’s Vision.

“I know you want this to take place in a little town in GA, but I’m thinking of moving it to India.  And I think the little girl should be a boy who has never spoken and becomes friends not with a kitten but a lion.” You look around to see if you’re still on Planet Earth before you laugh and ask if he’s kidding. And besides, you say, “There are no lions in India. They have tigers. Lions are only in Africa.”

“Oh, right. I forgot. I really like lions. Good visuals, you know. How about if we have one escape from a traveling circus?  What do you think of that?”

What do you think? You think he’s certifiably nuts but you’re wrong. He’s exercising Director’s Vision. If you are a screenwriter and plan to play in the television and film arena, get used to it. Unless you are the writer and director or at least a producer, once your name is on the contract they can change your passion project to something you refuse to watch.

And NEVER celebrate till the check clears.